Veracity

Yet again I find my mind in a tangled up mess. 

I've been having trouble with myself these past few days-- quarreling, reasoning with myself on what the "right" thing is. The right thing, though, is highly subjective to different people, to different points of view, such that what is right for one person is entirely wrong for another. The right thing is highly subjective to the circumstances beyond our control. The right thing is subjective to one's emotions.. and emotions are a fickle thing-- always changing, tumbling and turning, this way and that. So with something so precarious carrying a bulk of what is "right", how do we discern what such a thing is? Does the "right" thing even exist? Or is it just something thrust into every lifetime to have order and balance? What is "right" now may not be "right" tomorrow, so with something that is constantly changing, how does a person know what to do, where to stand? How can a person decide?

Decide. 

Decisions. Choices. Resolutions. 

Such finalities can quiver because of indecision-- indecision finding its roots in emotions. Indecision coming to life because of one's inability to concile what she knows is right and what she feels is right. Indecision resulting from the battle of the brain and the heart. Indecision stemming from logic conflicting with one's sentiments.

And right now, I find that the tension existing between my logical thinking and intuitive feeling has never been this frenzied. One moment, you know with certainty that what you're doing is right. But then something happens and suddenly you're irrationally unsure, yet again, if you're unwilling to take a risk, if you're able to hold everything inside, if you're able to live with yourself with all the what if's, with all the unsaid words, with the carefully withheld truth. You're unsure with just how long you can pretend and act that nothing's changed when in fact, everything has-- how long you can mask the fact that your heart skips with every minute, every sentence because of every hidden affection that, in truth you've been dying to say. And then in another moment, your mind shuts down again with the thought that it won't really matter how you feel and how much you want to say.. because the world keeps on revolving and turning about without a care for a tiny, insignificant dot of existence such as yourself. Oh, the constancy of indecision and change.

Want and need. Truth and deceit. Logic and intuition. Inconsistency and stabilty. Right and wrong. Anyone can go crazy just by trying to reconcile one with another-- like forcing two magnets with opposite poles to come together. 

Impossible.