Unbound

I felt it bubbling along the surface. There were these tiny blinking lights on the edge of my subconscious, flashing a warning that something wasn’t what it was supposed to be. I don’t really know how to define it or how to describe it in a way that everyone will understand… because it’s quite instinctual (I guess that would be the most appropriate word). But it’s not paranoia. There are no what if’s, no maybe’s. There’s that certainty, that sureness, that confidence that this is not me over-reacting. This is the instinctual me hand in hand with the logical me. Definite.
 
Some of you may know what I’m talking about: It’s that moment when nothing has changed but you feel, a very strong gut feeling, like things have shifted. You feel that you’re wrong. That things aren’t the same even if they appear to be. That somehow, things have changed.

But the reason behind this shift remains unclear. What is apparent, though, is the unfolding result. Suddenly, everything is out of balance. Suddenly, I find myself lost, grasping at the hems of what used to be, trying to hold on, clinging on to whatever thread or straw or yarn I can grasp to make things revert to what it once was. And no matter how I twist and turn things around, looking through every crevice, every hole, trying to find out what could possibly have caused this growing gap, I can’t find anything that would help me clear my mind of that constant pounding— that blaring voice telling me that everything’s my fault— that things would not have turned out to be like this if I had controlled myself… if I had not succumbed to my emotions. If I had only kept them bottled up, silenced them, ignored them, cast them away, then maybe things wouldn’t have changed.

I knew better. I told myself not to. And I can’t even count how many times I scolded myself for even thinking of you as more than a friend. But sometimes, we find ourselves at a point where we don’t even know how and when every “no”, every “can’t”, and every “don’t” become inconsequential. We tell ourselves not to plunge into that deep pool of emotion and suddenly we’re soaked and swimming in it. We’ve fallen head-first, unbound, without knowing how the chains we’ve put so securely on our heart got detached.

And the sadness rolls in because I feel like if the chains had been stronger, unbreakable, then maybe, things would have stayed as they were. We would have stayed as we were. I wouldn’t have lost the comfort in the constancy of you being there whenever I needed you… and I wouldn’t be here now, on the edge of losing a friend, on the edge of losing you.