The thing is, sometimes we over-estimate ourselves and our capabilities. Sometimes this is okay. We push ourselves and test our limits. But other times, we just wind up getting hurt. And when we realize just how much we can really take, it's too late-- we've invested too much of ourselves.
Maybe there's this thing about hurt and acceptance. There's that moment when you've been hurt too much that you finally see clearly, that you finally accept and understand-- when you finally stop lying to yourself on how you can still take more, on how you're stronger than that and just accept that, that's that. You're not strong enough.
And that's what I've been doing all this time, I guess-- lying to myself, closing my senses to the bigger picture just so I can stay in this temporary bubble of happiness, for as long as time would allow me to. Maybe I could cheat reality into giving me this, just for a little while. But reality popped that bubble, too soon for me, maybe, but not soon enough.
I thought that that decision was easy enough to see through. They would be happy, I would be
To form boundaries.
To keep limits.
To stop.
And then I thought.. maybe I chose wrong.
But I realized that it wasn't that I chose wrong.. there never was an option where I would be unscathed in the first place. It was a lose-lose situation. Either way, I couldn't stop the hurt-- no matter what I chose. Not unless I was capable of numbing myself from reality. Not unless I would lie to myself constantly. And I found that I couldn't do that anymore. I wasn't okay. It wasn't fine.
In that moment of clarity, I saw that everything seemed like a mess. I was a mess. I still am. And maybe the only way to fix myself was to stop lying to myself and to stop pretending that it was okay because it wasn't.
The wound had woken me up.
Reality won. Just like always.
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