Locked away

"Because you pick guys who will never be serious about you, so you never need to be serious about them."

Because isn't it scary? That moment when you take things seriously and give someone so much power over you, trusting them unconditionally.. that despite having the power to hurt you or being able to break you, they wouldn't.

So instead of taking things seriously, you brush everything off thinking that if no one came near enough, no one would get too attached. If you didn't take things seriously then it would be that much easier to forget. Because isn't it easier to forget things that didn't matter than things that you did take seriously? Isn't it easier to forget when you didn't invest a part of yourself in it? There would be no thinking, no dwelling, no remembering, no pain. No one would get hurt. You wouldn't get hurt. If you didn't take things seriously then when the present becomes the past, it wouldn't haunt you as much as it would if you had cared.

Because if you did care, no matter how much you tell yourself that the past is irrelevant, it is what is it. The past has always and will always be reflected on what is here and now.

May it be a broken heart, broken trust, broken promises.. even if you tell yourself that these are inconsequential to what you are now, you would be lying to yourself. You are what the past has made you-- no matter how small a part of you that is, it's still you.

Because every bit of trust broken or lies spoken, every bit of these make up every single broken fragment of yourself, of the wall you unconsciously build around yourself.  Even if you somehow trick your conscious mind into forgetting, there would always be a scar-- there in the deep recesses of your mind, of your heart.

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone who would be patient enough to fix whatever needs fixing. Someone who would not push and pull, forcibly trying to break through the tiny crevices and would instead, gently undo the locks and bolts that are placed.

But they never are. No one's ever patient enough.

They try to figure things out, and when it gets too hard, they leave. Because that's what happens, right? People come into your life and take bits and pieces of you. Before you know it, they've taken whole chunks of your life, of your time, of your memories, of your heart. And as easily as they took pieces of you, they leave-- they leave without batting an eyeleash, without the hesitation of turning around and seeing if just maybe, it is hard for you to see them leaving without even looking back.

So instead of putting yourself through the pains of seeing someone turn their back on you, you lock yourself away. You smile to hide the broken pieces. You laugh to hide the doubts. You joke around, never wanting to take things seriously, to hide just how afraid you are.

Afraid of truly letting someone in and being disappointed yet again.

Afraid of trusting and having that trust broken.

Afraid of giving someone the power to break your heart-- to break you.

And until someone brings all the pieces together and finally figures you out, everything will remain as broken as it is.