Disease.

I am giving up trying to vocalize my feelings through straight English. Ang effort eh.:)) I ta-taglish ko nalang itong post na to.:))

You know one downside of being a girl? We over-analyze every single thing. Every step, every move, every word, every little action, lahat yan hinahanapan naming ng meaning. It can be a good thing sometimes, but most of the times.. it just means unnecessary heartbreak and most of all.. headache. We give so many interpretations to little, maybe to you, insignificant things. Yung simpleng pagooffer mo na samahan kami to who-knows-where, yung simpleng paghintay mo samin para sabay tayo umuwi, or yung simpleng pagtanong mo samin ng "okay ka lang ba?" or the fact that you didn't even ask at all.. Lahat yan, pinagiisipan namin ng mabuti. Sometimes, we go haywire and have the most ludicrous ideas.. minsan, nagpapanic na kami, iniisip namin, "ano ginawa ko?" or "bakit kaya niya ginawa yun" or "bakit kaya niya sinabi yun?". Oo, minsan over the top ang pagiisip namin sa possible interpretations and when we do think up of some plausible explanation, it gets even more ludicrous. Pero minsan, bull's eye naman.

But we don't always do this, don't you worry. We only over-analyze-- guess when-- when it's regarding the person we like. Of course we are curious as to whether you like us the way we like you or whether you're just that overly friendly guy who can easily catch an unsuspecting girl's heart. We like you, of course we over-analyze. Duh.:))

And if our day isn't plagued with the over-analysis flu, it's usually the guessing game gloom. What is this condition, you may ask. Well to put it simply, it's when we rack our brains in order to answer this simple question: "What the hell are we?" Which is kind of pointless since we can't answer that question by ourselves, no matter how much we beat ourselves up for being so idiotic for being unable to answer such a bluntly placed question. Because the answer to that question, my dear, lies with you. Yes, you.

Don't take that question too literally, though. We know we are human, female, homo-sapiens, living and breathing mammals, lalalala. (Care to add more?) What I meant with that question was, what's our status? Are we friends, more than friends.. what? And when you finally give the answer to that question, hallelujah, more questions come along. These questions may branch out from, again, another simple question: "What am I supposed to do now?"

Now that we know that we're more than friends but less than.. a couple.. girls ask themselves what their limits are. Am I allowed to be possessive? Can I tell you that I get jealous when you pay attention to them more than you pay attention to me? Do I even have the right to get jealous? Am I allowed to say this? Am I allowed to show you, more flambouyantly, that I care about you and I hate it when you act like you don't care about me despite you saying that you do? Why am I suddenly becoming all clingy? Why the hell are there soooo many questions again?

Like I said, over-analysis.

In the first place though, why do we even question these things? Shouldn't we be happy just be what we are, whatever "we" is? Shouldn't we be content knowing, intuitively, that something special is there? Well, let me tell you, no matter what image a girl puts off in public, the truth is, there is an insecure, very unsure girl inside us. Kahit na sabihin namin na okay lang samin na ganito tayo, walang label pero alam nating there's something special bonding us.. sa totoo lang, it bothers us. We love knowing that somehow, we have you, but we hate not knowing to what extent we can have you. We love having you but hate having something called "it" and that "it" being indefinite. We already feel so unbalanced with all these emotions that you cause, the least we can have is some source of stability.. and maybe you need something stable and definite too. All we want is a security blanket, a source of stability (oo, redundant.:)) sorry na.), something concrete that we can hold on to. That's why we have so many questions.

So with this, I sometimes wonder if it's better to just leave things as they are, to not delve deeper into certain issues and queries and ponderings. They say that the truth will set you free, but sometimes that's not the case. Sometimes knowing the truth can only trap you further into a pit of questions. The truth can unlock doors only to reveal that more doors are hidden and waiting to be opened. Sometimes the truth doesn't set us free. Sometimes the truth can suffocate us, it can cause our hearts to crumble. Instead of putting us at ease, knowing that we know the truth, we are further lead to question more, and even question the truth itself.