Weird.

Earlier this evening, I said to a friend "I feel weird". Sa totoo lang, I didn't know what I was feeling. I felt different from my usual self. I felt like I was on depressants or something, the usual upbeat in my mood was lost.


I was feeeling too little. I was and still am, feeling empty.. but it wasn't the "numb empty". It wasn't that I was not feeling anything, I was feeling something. And I didn't like what it was doing to my insides. It was the sort of emptiness that keeps you wondering what it is that you're missing-- like there was a gaping hole inside me. But maybe I am growing numb.. or worse, indifferent. I knew that I said I wanted to stop feeling, to stop hurting.. truly, though, I just wanted to feel alive again. To feel whole.


I could seem happy, I could act like I am happy for the sake of the people around me. But I wasn't whole, no matter how strongly pretended that I was. And there is a world of a difference between feigning feeling something and actually feeling it.. there is a huge difference between feeling happy and feeling whole. And now I start to wonder.. can a person feel real happiness even if they don't feel whole? I could be just deceiving myself.. thinking that I am happy, hoping that it would become a reality.


I have loads of things I want to write about in this blog entry.. pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Sa dami nila.. everything is just a jumble of words. I can't even string a coherent sentence that can express the gravity of my emotions. And albeit what I feel, I still feel empty. Despite the range of emptions that flit in and out of me, I still feel so lifeless and some point.. helpless.


My friends ask me what's wrong and when I can't tell them they feel bad that I can't confide in them. But how can I, when I, myself, don't even know what's wrong in the first place? All I know is that, something's definitely not right. I want to fix myself, but how can I when I don't even know where to start-- when I don't even know what needs fixing?